I recently celebrated my 30th birthday. Yeah, it's a milestone. And it was supposedly happy, right? Well, I don't want to ruin my positivity goal but I have no one else or nothing to tell this story to. I don't want to bother anyone to be my shock-absorber. And I certainly don't want them to look bad in this story, too. I care for them so much that I have to re-word how I tell this story. It's just I have to re-tell the story to let it out of my chest,and perhaps move on, as well.
So here it goes:
Two of my best friends PM-ed their birthday greeting to me. So I panicked! I thought they cannot write on my wall. Because my first thought was each greeting was supposedly on the wall, right? Oh maybe I was the only one thinking like this.
Anyway, I messaged them back: thank you and why only a message and not on the wall? I thought there was a privacy issue and I accidentally or FB edited my FB restricting some friends from writing on my FB wall. So I ask and explained why I asked. Both of them replied with laughs. Then my HS BF said she was surprised I replied that way. Maybe my choice of words offended her so I immediately said sorry. I said sorry and asked if she's angry. She said no but I felt the opposite. She explained that she was not mad but just surprised. She said she PM-ed to make the greeting intimate. To her, my message seemed I was disappointed with just a PM and was wanting for more; for a wall post instead.
So explained and sincerely apologized. I thought I made it clear that I just thought they cannot post to my FB wall because of some security settings. And their reply? All I got from both of them was a thumbs up. Yeah. That big blue finger. *sigh*
This reply got me worried even more. I don't want to ask anymore. I may not be prepared of the next replies. That's how I came up with the friendship over theme. It is really my fault. I should've chosen my words. Kinder and more sensitive words. Moreso, I should just say thank you and did not bother about the wall thing. I should've just turned off my Facebook.
Exxag? Well, just like them, I didn't expect them to think of me that way. I already explained why I said so but seems like it wasn't enough. I wasn't prepared that they thought I AM offensive. That I intended to be an FB wall-post-hungry or something because they know me well. They know I'm not into FB at all!
Facebook's our or just my only way of communication to them. And not to mention, it was my birthday. It should've been just a "simple" misunderstanding or misuse of words or something much easier than that. They KNOW me in the first place. Oh, that's just an outburst, sorry. Be more sensitive again.
I should let go, I know. Like my husband said, I already apologize so it should not be a bother anymore. But I am bothered. So bothered I blogged, right? I'm bothered because they are my treasured friends - my best friend! I'm bothered because it always happen to me.
Like in grade school, when I was in Grade 1 and 6, the whole class was against or hated me, especially the girls. And I don't know why. No one said why they were angry. It also happened when I was in second year high school. My "barkada" or gang was all angry at me again. I don't know why again. I think I made a comment or did something or acted the way they didn't like - but I until now, I don't know why it happened to me. Maybe I am the type of person that is better off without any friends. Maybe I am the type of person that should not so emphatic with friendship. Maybe I should act the way that would please them instead of just being me.
I don't like to be pretentious or please anyone. I just want friends. To laugh with, to tell stories with, to eat and drink with. A thought bubble is just inflating: my friendship with them changed when I got kids. Pin to that bubble.
I would like to forget and move on from this but I think I would have to delete my FB account first. But it might lead them to thinking of a greater misdeed I did. I don't want to think ill of other people. It's okay if they think bad of me, I could also prove them wrong.
Sigh. I guess it's true that "nothing really lasts for-ever, ever."
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